THE RIGHT WAY

You are beautiful.  Repeat that. Memorise it. Wake up every morning, look in the mirror and say it as many times as it needs to be said for you to believe it. When looking in the mirror and thinking negative thoughts about your appearance just imagine that your reflection is another person, separate from yourself.

You wouldn’t want to offend someone other than yourself, would you? So be nice to your reflection! Try to view the person in the mirror as someone else would view them.

“Oh yes, your hair looks lovely today!”  “That outfit really suits you!”

‘What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it’s supposed to be’

I have come across this quote so many times, and it always gets me thinking. That idea that something is supposed to be a particular way, that you’re supposed to look a certain way to attract the opposite sex or that you need to follow models, celebrities or the unreal idea of beauty that these magazines publish is absurd.

First things first, as Albert Einstein beautifully said ‘the woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before’. You will never find out your true value and capabilities if you don’t step outside that box that society has built for you.  Don’t be the woman who steps out in the cold in a dress that barely covers anything in order to attract sleazy men and get compliments that have no worth or meaning.  Don’t be the woman who runs after men in order to add purpose or meaning to her life. Don’t be the woman who needs the acceptance of society to be happy.  Your looks should never be the reason you attract men, get a job or succeed in life. It should be your character. And yes we do live in a materialistic world, but because it has become so rare to find a person who focuses on her talents and skills, you will shine, be it at a job interview or finding that guy who will adore you for your beautiful personality and the fact that you respect yourself.

Grasp that a low opinion of you is not ‘modesty’, its self-destruction. When I see girls that crave compliments and when told they are beautiful, deny it and say things like ‘I am fat’ or ‘ I look so ugly’, it infuriates me. You not only demean yourself but you show the world not only that you have no respect for yourself but that you rely heavily on what people think of you. And that’s not how it’s supposed to be. Thank them for their compliment and smile. Holding your uniqueness in high regard is not ‘egotism, it is a necessary precondition to happiness and success. You are in no way stuck up or think too much of yourself if you love yourself, ooze confidence and reject societies norms. To be different is to be beautiful. I cannot stress it enough that when you move past the need for men to compliment you, to want you and to find you attractive based on what you are wearing, you will feel empowered. Please do not go out half naked, attract sleazy men and then complain you can’t find a decent guy. Your modesty brings out the modesty of others and the level of respect you receive is determined by the amount of modesty you show. Immodest and attractive is easy. Modest and repulsive is easy too. But modest and attractive is an art form.

Surround yourself with the people you love and those who will find a spare few moments in their busy days to see you or ask you how you are. Those are the people who will help you flourish, and not only that but bring a smile to your face every day. At the end of the day, being happy is all this life has to offer really. There’s no point in having money or a good career, if it doesn’t make you happy.  Do your best to keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions and self-esteem. Most people you come across in life will do that to you. Just remember that small people always do that but the really great make you feel that you too can become great.  It’s such a beautiful feeling knowing you have friends and family who encourage you every day to go out and seize the day, to inspire you and to motivate you to be your best. I am so thankful for having the most wonderful mum. Most days, she literally wakes me up every morning screaming ‘Shabnam you have an assignment due’ or ‘Shabnam , the books are waiting’. She’s my rock and I love her for constantly bringing me back to reality. When you are seeking to bring big plans to fruition it is important with whom you regularly associate. Hang out with friends who are like-minded and who are also designing purpose-filled lives.  Never hold resentments for the person who tells you what you need to hear; count them among your truest, most caring, and valuable friends. Those are the people who care about you most. By telling you what you are doing wrong and criticising you, they are pushing you towards bettering yourself.

Indulge in that perspective that ambitions mean everything. If you don’t have dreams, you’ll have nightmares. There is nothing more attractive in a woman, than when she knows what she wants and she will work her backside off to get it. Having an ambition easily distinguishes you from others. But it’s not only saying you wish to attain a certain path in life; you need to work for it. Don’t cry over why something isn’t going your way or that you’ve tried but keep failing. Winners never quit and quitter’s never win. If something means the world to you, nothing should prevent you from getting there.

In most case, nothing good will ever happen if you don’t say yes to something, even when saying no could be so much easier. Just take a moment and think about what you want to achieve. Try to measure the risk, and if that risk feels OK, then go ahead and do it. If you genuinely have the capacity for hard work – if you’re the kind of person who is active and productive, then you’re already ahead of the pack.

Another thing that so incredibly rare is genuine people. Always act with honesty and sincerity. You will be valued for being truthful and authentic. Make authenticity your priority. Try to make it your number one goal when you’re in a situation and even when you feel vulnerable, because when authenticity is your goal and you keep it real, you will never regret it.  The most beautiful people are the honest ones, because even if you fail or get your feelings hurt, you know you were genuine and went about true to yourself. It feels great!

Truly believe that your passion can create the life you want. Never stop challenging yourself and never stop learning, as the university of life never stops creating knowledge. Be kind and never look down on anyone, anywhere.

This life is what you make it. No matter what, you’re going to mess up sometimes, it’s a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you’re going to mess it up. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don’t, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about.

Live for the moment, be spontaneous and embrace the day. Never be afraid to fail because you only have to get it right once.

By Shabnam Nasimi

DYSPHORIA

The mind’s ability to cope with pain is possibly the greatest faculty we possess. Every waking day is a struggle in itself. I’ve witnessed death. I’ve been through the struggle of losing a family member in a suicide bomb attack.  I’ve seen children in third world countries going through hardships that can never be perceived by people living in well off nations. I’ve seen kids selling plastic bags and chewing gum, giving up on an education to feed their families. I’ve seen men losing their legs as a result of mines planted for war purposes and finding their way through life by begging. I’ve seen families’ torn apart living in refugee camps and the struggle they go through to find a better life. I’ve seen people under the influence of drugs and alcohol getting through each day trying to find themselves in a world that neglects them. I’ve seen families lose their kids to society and its negative influences.  I’ve lost dear ones to cancer and other illnesses. I’ve seen friends and family heartbroken. Society shatters everyone. Not many people understand what a few consoling words mean to a person. How a small gesture of kindness can break barriers and heal wounds. They don’t get what ‘it’s going to be ok’ mean to some people. I’ve always been a person that makes sure I ask how someone’s day is, shows interest, gives them a shoulder to cry on and listen. We may not have the means to provide someone support through other ways, but just being there for someone going through a hard time means the world. A simple smile and ‘how are you?’ can do a great deal.  We may be standing next to someone who has gone through hell and we wouldn’t even know, so what’s the harm of being kind? As you step out today, choose to give a listening ear, share a caring heart and respect others, because everyone is fighting a battle out there; your love, encouragement and your beautiful smile will go a long way for them. Let go of hatred, cold heartedness and ignorance. Stop ACTING like you care and START caring. What I see today is people so concerned about their own lives, waking up every morning and heading off to school or work without giving people a second glance, functioning like robots. It breaks my heart seeing how everyone has lost any sense of care or love to help one another. Going through hardship and struggles is what makes everyone question at least once in their life why they are alive. What the purpose of their life was when all they feel is constant pain and heartache. Though many may feel that the stress we may go through in the more developed countries seem pointless and trivial compared to the agony other beings go through in poverty-stricken and war-torn nations. What is important to understand is that struggle is relative and subjective. We don’t feel other people’s pain unless we go through it. So I can’t stress it enough; do not judge people based on your opinion. No one ever feels another’s pain. As dear as parents are, even they wouldn’t get what they’re children go through when they’re struggling.

Such is life, there are people who try and try, but always fall short of societies expectations; then there are people who don’t bother and manage to continuously succeed. While for most of us the struggle and suffering would be meeting assignment deadlines, finding a job or making it work in a relationship, we never stop to realise that a child is dying right this instant from starvation, that a mother has just died from childbirth, a man is finding whatever means possible to feed his family or others are dying in war, seeing as in the 21st century the whole world is at war. For us, most often than not it’s the difficulty of realizing that we’re no longer a child and can’t wait for our parents to take charge and you realize it’s YOU who is supposed to make decisions about your life. Growing up has never been more difficult than it is today. As a child, life seems so hard. ‘I just want to grow up!!’ is the usual term we all use. Now that I a working and studying, I would take everything back about growing up. I didn’t know that I would have so much responsibility. I didn’t know there would be “Drama”.  I miss being a kid.

Can you relate to those feelings? Anyone ever feel like some days everything is perfect, you walk around with a smile upon your face. For a few moments the mask you’ve hidden behind, isn’t really there anymore, you have forgotten what you’ve been through. In that moment, you’re truly happy with who you are.  And then you hear a sound, catch a glimpse, and smell the air. That’s when those walls you’ve built so high come crashing back down. It’s a gut wrenching feeling having to forget painful memories and struggling through difficulties feeling helpless.

Many of us find our getaway from feeling hurt in different ways, some in alcohol, drugs and sex, and others in isolation from everyone or physically harming oneself.  Be it one way or the other everyone does something to escape life’s difficulties in the four corners of a room.   Let’s not forget the magic of sleep. The door that offers us a retreat from the world and all its pain.  Those few hours of freedom marks passing time, giving us distance from the things that have hurt us. Wounded beings often fall unconscious, just like someone who hears traumatic news will often faint.  It’s the mind’s way of protecting itself from pain by taking a step back. Maybe that’s why people say nothing can hurt us when we are dead. Others try forgetting, as some wounds are too deep to heal, or too deep to heal quickly. Many memories are simply painful, and there is no healing to be done, they stick with you forever, simply fade away a little as time goes by. The saying ‘time heals all wounds’ is false. Time heals most wounds. The rest are hidden behind this door. And lastly there’s the door of madness. There are times when the mind is dealt such a blow it hides itself in insanity. There are times when reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind. Feeling numb and unresponsive to tragic realities is what some do to escape that feeling of caring when they have been nothing but disappointed and hurt. It becomes a reflex. So yes, the downfall of an aspect of our lives that we held dear affects us deeply and most times it is very difficult to recover but know that the journey of life waits for no one and unless you help yourself, there is no one that can do it for you.

Every single person has a story to tell. Though we may look at others and feel inspired that they were able to get through the complications that life presents, be it work, family, love or simply feeling alive, we will never truly understand what it took them to get there. How much sacrifice some may make to obtain happiness. It’s an odd thing; you know ‘happiness’. That it makes you suffer for it. The saying ‘something worth having, is worth fighting for’ frustrates me. What sort of happiness tears you apart day in and day out, looking forward to a day which may or may not happen? Though we’re all busy working hard to secure a wealthy and easy lifestyle, studying hard to create something of ourselves and being surrounded by dear family and friends we may still feel lost.  I can say with certainty that no matter what people show you, how open they are with you, everyone feels pain deep down.  It strikes every one of us at least once in lives, and you know what?  People may tell you it builds you stronger. That life’s struggles, teaches you valuable skills and a mistake made is a lesson learnt.  But no matter the end result, that day, month, or year you go through feeling lost and weak damages you. What do you tell yourself each morning, when you don’t have the courage to get out of bed? When you’ve lost all will to live. What do you say to those who love you, when they don’t see the façade? I’ve come to learn the hard way that life is a climb, there are many struggles you’ll face and have no other option but to overcome them one way or the other. I have been blessed to have great people in my life, been given great opportunities but still I struggle. I wrestle with my feelings on a day-to-day basis, struggle with my relationships, get out of balance with work, life, rest, let my emotions get the best of me,  want to be kind but end up being angry, want to be encouraging but end up being critical, fight with the ones I love most, get anxious, get frustrated, and sometimes it can just be plain overwhelming. I imagine a lot of people are in this same boat.

You see strength in a human being is more than simply how you hold it together in stressful situations or pushing through a rough time. Being strong is extremely hard. It takes determination, courage, perseverance, motivation, heart, and the willingness to stand up and make a change. A change to better yourself as a person, to better how you contribute to society, to increase your knowledge, to be the best person you can be and to share that with others, is strength. It comes in many forms but it is something that each and every one of us has and needs to use every day of our life. It’s not about how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you get hit and keep moving forward. It’s how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done.

You need to learn to give up on excuses. A lot of times we limit ourselves because of the many excuses we use. Instead of growing and working on improving ourselves and our lives, we get stuck, lying to ourselves, using all kind of excuses – excuses that 99.9% of the time are not even real. And this can only be attained once you give up your resistance to change.   Change will help you make improvements in your life and also the lives of those around you. Follow your bliss, embrace change and don’t resist it. And then there is giving up limiting beliefs about what one can or cannot do, about what is possible or impossible. Insecurity and self-pity are evil! They blind you and make you weary of everyone and every thing. Self-pity is also a very self-absorbed mentality. While your suffering from it, you can only think about how this situation or that situation affects you, how this comment or that comment is geared towards you when in reality it may not be. Every little thing is centered around you and every little thing is a negative thing. Then you start saying “poor me” and “if it wasn’t for that, I wouldn’t be like this”. Moral of the story is that when your mind starts to use your voice to tell you how pathetic you are, just shut it off!. Remind yourself that you are way better than what that little voice is telling you. Then start to remember the good things in your life. Remember the blessings. Learn to give up on self-defeating self-talk. How many people are hurting themselves because of their negative, polluted and repetitive self-defeating mindset? Don’t believe everything that your mind is telling you – especially if it’s negative and self-defeating.  And lastly give up on blame. Give up on your need to blame others for what you have or don’t have, for what you feel or don’t feel.  Stop giving your powers away and start taking responsibility for your life.

Although life is not a fairytale and for me it has had very real nightmares, I still see the beauty and the magic. I haven’t given up on big dreams and passionate living. As painful as yesterday was, today I woke up knowing that everything may not be right in the world, but everything is going to be alright.

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars. – Khali Gibran

 By Shabnam Nasimi